Archive | May, 2011

TMT – Zombie Nation

26 May

Zombie Nation
review by Illumin-Arte

Zombie ntaion
Directed by: Ulli Lommel
Starring: Gunther Ziegler, Brandon Dean, Axel Montgomery

Oh my word where do I begin, this movie made my shit itch. It has to be in my top 5 worst movies list, I wish I could say in my top 5 worst list of all time, but luckily for me there will always be bad movies made, and always be bad movies watched, so the list is always changing.

Lets get this burning pee fest started, I didn’t know what to expect when I first saw this on instant viewing. Anytime I see a Zombie movie listed I know it can go either way, I’d like to think there is a fifty-fifty ratio of good and bad, but unfortunately, it probably leans more toward the seventy-thirty ratio, odds I repeatedly bet on for the long shot, and this time I lost big time. My wife has, on numerous occasions, said that I have a soft spot in my heart for really shitty movies, and I’ll be damned if she isn’t right. But this movie is crap, it’s the crap that crap leaves,in big piles of steaming, hot, fresh crap.

The start of the movie, lead cop with german accent (who has a tough time stumbling thru his lines in English) who has a habit of arresting young women for apparently no real reason, taking them to warehouse (which is a working furniture warehouse with no visible staff) making his partner wait outside while he goes in with woman, and comes out with no woman, but carrying a big heavy duffel bag, and his partner doesn’t suspect a thing. During the killings there is a flashback scene which is never explained, and at first you don’t even realize it’s Officer deutchland’s ( actually you don’t care that’s it’s his) who (again it’s never explained why) keeps seeing a rather portly man being repeatedly whipped about the buttocks with a stick, while his mother, who is in a wheelchair, constantly berates him about his dirty fingernails. OMG who really cares, I’m talking about this movie like it has a story line. What I should be doing is just making a list of everything that this movie did wrong, because there is no story line, continuity, it has poor editing, and the acting is delivered by an ensemble of local drama society dropouts and those who would be even worse than dropouts.

The budget of this movie had to be around the grand total of $1500.00 and that’s giving it the benefit of the doubt that it even had a budget, every indoor scene was filmed in a warehouse,from the police station offices, with exposed sewage pipes running along the walls, and the original cement floors (they couldn’t even afford rugs), to the so called apartment that looked like they got the furniture from an Ikea closeout web site (maybe they got it all from the furniture warehouse they use for the killing site).

In the movie he killed four, maybe five women, but hell, I watched this 4 hrs ago,which when you consider the movie it was a lifetime ago, this movie was an intellectual vacuum the longer I watched the more I could feel my brains being sucked out of my ears, so how do you expect me to remember that long ago.     When the zombies do finally rise out of the dirt and water, the only way you can tell is they have black circles around their eyes (that must mean I’m a zombie just about every morning I get up), they walked, and, talked, and laughed, they even drove cars, as Count Floyd would say from SCTV ahhoooo pretty scary stuff ehhh kids.

It’s  killing me writing this review this movie was so bad I’m finding it hard to describe, all my descriptions pale in comparison to the real thing, as I read thru it, it sounds so fucking lame, but what the hell I’ll stick it out and keep going.

So here comes the wrap up. Crap, Crap, Crap, Garbage, waste of time, waste of film, waste of one and a half hours of my life (I want it back), shit, shit, shit, shit, zombie girl eating bloody penis, excrement, dropping kids in the pool, vomit, puke, hurl, ralph, girl gets snake up her bajingo, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch this movie hurts my balls, voodoo women with severed pig head zombie chicks told to eat cheeseburgers not people they laugh, time is moving slow, time is moving oh so slow, time is my enemy with this movie, cop becomes zombie, and the zombies become cops, going to take quite awhile to get over this. It’s a fartbox.

I can’t give this movie even a half bum up.

Watch it and decide, or better yet gouge your eyes out with a spoon it’s quicker.

TMT – “Interzone”

11 May

Interzone (1987)
review by SimplyKyle


Director: Deran Sarafian
Starring: Bruce Abbott,  Beatrice Ring, and Teagan Clive

Where to begin with this brilliant gem. The premise of the movie seemed pretty promising; being about Humans surviving in a post apocalyptic wasteland in search for a great secret treasure. Who doesn’t love post-apocalyptic movies? Granted I did not go into it expecting MadMax or anything like that, after all it is called Bad Movie Wednesdays for a reason.

So, the movie starts off with very stereotypical 80s music reminding me instantly of Police Academy. Showing mostly scenery, muddy ground water that appears to be boiling set the wasteland feel right off the bat. Eventually you get to see people and the first thing they show you (that I can recall at least) is a homoerotic dancing Patrick Swayze look-a-like in a bar, who has absolutely nothing to do with the movie after the first few scenes (but cot damn do they show him as much as they can in the first 15 minutes).

Some dialogue, with incredibly low audio, establishes who our main character is going to be and then for some reason he decides to join in on a Russian roulette style death game, where the participants pick from a tray full of drinks and hope they don’t get poison. Our main man, Swan (played by Bruce Abbott), is sat at a table with three other guys, one being a black guy (who in like most movies, dies first), we also have the romantic music that plays as we are shown who our female lead will be. (Tera, played by Beatrice Ring)

After a quick predictable round, everyone drinks poison except Swan, who doesn’t drink a damn thing making him winner by default. And what does he win, a toothbrush and some other junk I don’t remember (it’s not important because it is never seen again the whole film). Shortly after, as drunks in a bar do, there erupts a fight and everyone starts fighting (oh and there is a man repeatedly punching a woman in the stomach). With incredible and realistic sound effects and fight choreography that could have been put together by Tony Jaa himself (kidding obviously), our hero Swan easily makes his way out by giving the guy at the door the toothbrush (that is why it is the only thing I remember he got because he gives it away not 10 seconds later)

There’s also this scene about telepathic monks who all have names of popular electronics of the time such as General Electric and Panasonic. They come in to play later, helping and hindering our two heroes. We also get introduced to the main villain, Mantis (played by Teagan Clive), this man-woman is more ripped than…a really ripped dude?….let’s just say she’s intimidating and manly, but dressed like Vampirella. (picture Dolph Lundgren in that green Speedo from Borat). Anyway that show us how much of a bitch/badass she is when she confronts the psychic monks and one can only assume the trouble to come for our heroes.

One thing I noticed was how well maintained everybody’s hair was and how clean their clothes were, ya know for a post apocalyptic world.

Anyway, Swan  rescues Tera from slavery with the help of monk buddy Panasonic and they are chased around by a fat Arabic-looking guy with a sweet zebra print convertible. Eventually they wind up waltzing right into the hideout of the Mantis and her minions. Mantis takes Swan to have her way with him, this entails a disturbingly unsexy, naked, silhouette interpretive dance behind a curtain leading to Mantis force feeding Swan a raw egg, cherries, sardines, and a phallic banana. Then there is a completely random scene of two guards that ends ridiculously gay (in a very homosexual way).
Triumphantly violated, Swan emerges the next morning, presented like some trophy. Mantis then decides he needs to be thrown into their death hole after mating with him. (honestly I didn’t get the reference to a praying mantis until writing this) Conveniently after entering the cavern, Swan find a shot gun and then immediately encounters the beast within, a swamp thing like monster so terrifying it could of only been seen before on old Star Trek episodes. Seconds later, it has been shot and Swan exits the cave, accomplishing what apparently hundreds of other men thrown in there could not do in a matter of seconds.

Yadda Yadda Yadda, Swan ends up being tortured and Tera ends up getting electrocuted. Panasonic also gets tortured and tells Mantis and her people where the treasure is and the weak spot in the Interzone is, having forgotten what the point of everything was this reminds us that there is a plot (oh the Interzone btw is an area that has somehow gone untouched by radiation post-armageddon, considering its only mentioned once but is the whole basis of the movie it’s good to know).

Spoiler alert: Swan ends up dying from his injuries. But not really because since you can’t kill the hero, Panasonic comes along and magically changes places with Swan (a scene as emotional as Sam helping Frodo on Mount Doom). Seeing that Tera has been electrocuted and surely dead, he yells to the sky and does what else? But prepares to go Rambo on the bad guys. Five minute of 80s montage of gathering weapons he could never possibly carry all at once later and he is at the church from the beginning, the bad guys have overpowered the telepathic monks in an epic special effects heavy battle. And What does Swan do? One would think use his arsenal and blast the sh*t out of the bad guys, but sadly no he walks up with one gun and they all run away except Mantis who is lamely trying to open a steel door the monks are hiding behind.

There is a suspenseful fight between Mantis and Swan when Swan basically says “screw this” and shoots a rocket to blow up Mantis and blows a hole in the steel door. Clearly not giving a damn, Swan enters to find out what the secret treasure is and find it is a collection of humanities great works and historical items (I think Book of Eli stole this idea). Swan thinks it’s cool then runs off. We see him next in a field holding Tera’s body…but wait she’s still alive (of course because why the hell not?) They live happily ever after, as much as they can seeing the world is still a sh*thole. This leaves only one question in my mind; why the hell did Swan drag Tera’s “dead” body out to a field just to hold on to it and cry since he didn’t know she was still alive in the first place?

In closing, this movie started off kind of serious, granted I know it was a low-budget indie film but usually they try and make a great story and believe in themselves. This just got more and more ridiculous with every scene. A fun note however the Director, Deran, went on to direct a bunch of episodes of House and for every incarnation of CSI, as well as an episode of LOST and Fringe. Admittedly, this movie had it all; domestic abuse, sex slaves, telepathic monks, stabbing of pregnant women, a love scene where they actual run through a meadow in slow motion, and a motherflippin’ flamethrower! Academy Award winning acting,  Avatar-like special effects, and a plot rivaling Inception  make InterZone a great addition to Terrible Movie Tuesdays!