TMT – Zombie Nation

26 May

Zombie Nation
review by Illumin-Arte

Zombie ntaion
Directed by: Ulli Lommel
Starring: Gunther Ziegler, Brandon Dean, Axel Montgomery

Oh my word where do I begin, this movie made my shit itch. It has to be in my top 5 worst movies list, I wish I could say in my top 5 worst list of all time, but luckily for me there will always be bad movies made, and always be bad movies watched, so the list is always changing.

Lets get this burning pee fest started, I didn’t know what to expect when I first saw this on instant viewing. Anytime I see a Zombie movie listed I know it can go either way, I’d like to think there is a fifty-fifty ratio of good and bad, but unfortunately, it probably leans more toward the seventy-thirty ratio, odds I repeatedly bet on for the long shot, and this time I lost big time. My wife has, on numerous occasions, said that I have a soft spot in my heart for really shitty movies, and I’ll be damned if she isn’t right. But this movie is crap, it’s the crap that crap leaves,in big piles of steaming, hot, fresh crap.

The start of the movie, lead cop with german accent (who has a tough time stumbling thru his lines in English) who has a habit of arresting young women for apparently no real reason, taking them to warehouse (which is a working furniture warehouse with no visible staff) making his partner wait outside while he goes in with woman, and comes out with no woman, but carrying a big heavy duffel bag, and his partner doesn’t suspect a thing. During the killings there is a flashback scene which is never explained, and at first you don’t even realize it’s Officer deutchland’s ( actually you don’t care that’s it’s his) who (again it’s never explained why) keeps seeing a rather portly man being repeatedly whipped about the buttocks with a stick, while his mother, who is in a wheelchair, constantly berates him about his dirty fingernails. OMG who really cares, I’m talking about this movie like it has a story line. What I should be doing is just making a list of everything that this movie did wrong, because there is no story line, continuity, it has poor editing, and the acting is delivered by an ensemble of local drama society dropouts and those who would be even worse than dropouts.

The budget of this movie had to be around the grand total of $1500.00 and that’s giving it the benefit of the doubt that it even had a budget, every indoor scene was filmed in a warehouse,from the police station offices, with exposed sewage pipes running along the walls, and the original cement floors (they couldn’t even afford rugs), to the so called apartment that looked like they got the furniture from an Ikea closeout web site (maybe they got it all from the furniture warehouse they use for the killing site).

In the movie he killed four, maybe five women, but hell, I watched this 4 hrs ago,which when you consider the movie it was a lifetime ago, this movie was an intellectual vacuum the longer I watched the more I could feel my brains being sucked out of my ears, so how do you expect me to remember that long ago.     When the zombies do finally rise out of the dirt and water, the only way you can tell is they have black circles around their eyes (that must mean I’m a zombie just about every morning I get up), they walked, and, talked, and laughed, they even drove cars, as Count Floyd would say from SCTV ahhoooo pretty scary stuff ehhh kids.

It’s  killing me writing this review this movie was so bad I’m finding it hard to describe, all my descriptions pale in comparison to the real thing, as I read thru it, it sounds so fucking lame, but what the hell I’ll stick it out and keep going.

So here comes the wrap up. Crap, Crap, Crap, Garbage, waste of time, waste of film, waste of one and a half hours of my life (I want it back), shit, shit, shit, shit, zombie girl eating bloody penis, excrement, dropping kids in the pool, vomit, puke, hurl, ralph, girl gets snake up her bajingo, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch this movie hurts my balls, voodoo women with severed pig head zombie chicks told to eat cheeseburgers not people they laugh, time is moving slow, time is moving oh so slow, time is my enemy with this movie, cop becomes zombie, and the zombies become cops, going to take quite awhile to get over this. It’s a fartbox.

I can’t give this movie even a half bum up.

Watch it and decide, or better yet gouge your eyes out with a spoon it’s quicker.

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